Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in stefani_8604's LiveJournal:

Sunday, December 3rd, 2006
12:25 am	so..yea im not feeling sorry for my self cause i know im mildly attractive( took me 20 years to admitt that). but what is so wrong with me that no one wants to be around me. they make excuses so they dont have to see me. i know im not clingy cause i dont even call them everyday, but i have been told that im an intense person. that they dont think there good enough for me, when in fact i just want some one who wants to be around me and is not a drug head. is that to much for someone to live up to?.... i think im going to become a-sexual cause .... fuck people. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 7th, 2005
8:54 pm	i dont let people in ........... or thats what ive been told. i dont let people get near me. but then again i dont know why b/c i want some one near me someone i can talk to about anything never censor myself and i dont have that with anyone, i did but shes gone now. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005
2:42 pm	is there help in the world when i was little i was forced to go to church like many of us were, but see i dont remember any other children being judged and or scorned and hated by the congregation??? i guess since the church turned its back on me i turned my back on the church. Today i am agnostic, not chrstian but certainly not atheist(like some would think) long story short my aunt was put in the hospital today for heart failure and my uncle wanted me to pray for her and well since i either dont believe in prayer or feel like a complete and utter jack asss doing it when i look down my nose at it im askng a favor if anyone that reads this and they pray would you mind praying for my aunt and uncle, i feel this would be more helpful so the prayer wont be tainted by my non beleif. thanks Stefani p.s. i really am getting sick of people giving me their pity, i mean i know they are doing it because they feel bad for me but im just getting sick of it. im getting sick of telling people my bad news cause then that kind of forces people to say "im sorry" when they dont really mean it its like pity's pity. the best kind of help i get is laughter , hugs, and unexspected surprizes(it doesnt have to be big ones, just my friend showing up unannouiced just to hang out with me) which hopefully i will get at least enough today to take my mind of things. Current Mood: blank (Comment on this)
2:34 am	not feeling anything well i really dont have to much going on right now but then again who actually reads this..... ive been just coasting not haveing a good time but also im not dead. i hate being this way i see people haveing fun and laughing and being genuinely in a good mood and i actually yern for it i have never wanted to be happy but im soo sick of being in this state of numbness. Not only that but the guy i was sopposed be "dating" is with someone else. its like i dont think im fit to live or be with anyone. there are people i want to be with and if i tryed i could be but i dont feel like bringing them down with me i love my friends to much, i dont tell them i love them enough their the ones who help me from day to day keep my mind off the the painfull reality that 4 of my close friends have perished FOUR!! how the hell am i still living?? i dont understand this, well im completely numb to everything so i sont know if i would call that living. and i know the exact time when all of my feeling dissapered....when I found my friend marie after she shot her self with a shot gun. that would numb anyone. *To my lauren: i love you baby and i dont think i could live with anyone else your the only one who knows what i need by just a look and a grunt.im glad your my roomate and im glad you were there to help me when i had my attack after finding out about joe. i really dont think the random selection was that random i think they put us together cause no one else could live with either of us, and i think they were right! p.s. ive seen you naked more than any opne man!! and the view is awesome babe! *To my J.D.: you are a trooper! boy you just started to hang with me and then you got this slap in the face with having to deal with me in that bad state, but there are less than a handful of people that comfort me and your one of them. but you took it in stride and still claim to have fun with me. your too sweet to me sometimes (Ex: i tell you dont cut your hair and you dont, i tell you put this pic on face book and you do, i just hint at me wanting you to come over and snuggle and you do) but i undersand it your nature to be nice, but its something im not use to and am trying to get use to. your an honest person and most people dont like honest people but i find it refreshing. i love ya babe and im glad your my snuggle buddy *To my Amy: you are a dork!! not a dork but the dork!!!! but again your alway there for me, weather it be getting coffe a 1130 or getting food at 3 am your my go to girl cause were ususally on the same page. even if you did drop phil. and i will NEVER forgive you for it!!!! (ill forget about it in a week)theres not really much i can say to you on here cause i tell you everthing all the time, you are one of the few people who knows things about me that other people dont and.. soo fell special bitch!!!!! ok love ya babe *To my Jayce: Cracker please!! i love ya babe your like my own personal friend cause you dont talk to anyone else cause your soooo shy, but its cute. the only thing that sucks about that is when i laugh at something you say i look like a idiot cause no one else hears it(your an ass) ohh thats another thing you are a grade A asshole!! but i know that most of it is a lie you just do what i do and push people away rather than get to know them(ex: when you told me you were a pedaphile, and you would LIKE my baby pic!) it back fired on your ass when i said thats awesome. those are the ones who have been helping me then most but im not forgeting the rest of you i love you guys whether you know it ir not! (update! the body count is not 4 not 3 count um 1. dustin:car accident 2. marie:suicide 3. tad:car accident 4. joe:beaten) Current Mood: loved (Comment on this)
Monday, October 3rd, 2005
5:44 pm	I know its an over used expresion but do you ever feel competely and utterly alone in a room full of people? like your on the out side of the glass box and no matter how much you try to get in side its physically and mentally impossible. u can see how they get along, interact and just coexist together. its like a forein language to me. like their speaking greek and all i speak is spanish. i dont mean to sound like the kids today "oh woe is me, no one understands!! ::whine whine whine:: ill wear black and push people away because its cool." those kids annoy the holy fuck out of me. They make it soo hard for anyone who accualy has a problem, a REAL one not one for show not one to make people feel sorry for me. i in fact keep it on the inside dont want people to know because if they acually did they would be scared out of their minds. and want to watch me constantly. because they say they care for me. but do they really. i always feel like their is no one here(alive) who accualy does. not even my mother. like they all want me to believe they would do anything for me but they are just all self involved and want a relationship that they say "i put my all in to" to make them feel better about themselves. people are just sickining to me. Current Mood: cold (Comment on this)
2:38 am	the reaper is a sick son of a bitch In this past year i have had three people close to me die, and three have been in the icu. i think the reaper is using me for his own damn amusement. no theres no thinking to it he is! hes prolly getting off on my grief. My friend from high school dustin was killed in april while crossing the street an truck plowed him over. My good friend marie shot herself in may. in july my best friend and i got in to a fight over him wanting to leave my house, he had not slept in 3 days and he had been drinking. It was almost like i predicted the call i got the next morning when i was told he got takin out by an 18 wheeler. and now one of by best friends was beat up at a Jasper high school football game just because he was gay!?! what kind of a world do we live in that people get killed over the preferences. i mean no one kills me cause i hate cherrys, and mushrooms!???!?! im just uber frusterated and have no one to vent on b/c i dont want to bother anyone or worry anyone, or let anyone get that close to me, it frightens me. Current Mood: frustrated (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 29th, 2005
9:15 pm	i hate men basically i hate men and ummmm...... essays (Comment on this)